As a parent, you never want to see your child suffer, even a little. So it can be hard to leave them when they’re tiny – whether it is to head back to work, arrange a date night or simply have a shower.
According to Dr Khungelwa Mrwebi, regional clinical manager at Border Kei, Life Healthcare, "while it's crucial to take great care of your new baby, you must also take care of yourself. It's important to understand how crucial it is for mothers to get ready for the journey that awaits them after they give birth to their little one(s)“.
Separation anxiety disorder, according to the National Library of Medicine, is an exaggeration of anxiety that is generally developmentally normal and it is characterised by excessive concern, worry and even dread of the real or anticipated separation from an attachment figure.
But developing independence from their parents is an essential phase for a child to go through, and a natural part of their development. As a parent, here’s what you need to know.
When does separation anxiety usually start – and end?
You might start to notice that your child experiences separation anxiety when they are between the ages of six months and three. This may appear as clingy behaviour or tantrums, which frequently include crying and/or angry outbursts.
Depending on your child's individual personality and how you as the parent react, the duration of separation anxiety can vary.
Why does it happen?
As tiny babies, your child’s brain has not yet developed something psychologists call “object permanence”. This means that if they cannot see something, they simply do not believe it exists.
For example, they may drop a toy behind them but then will not try and look for it – in their brains, that toy has ceased to exist.
What happens once they develop object permanence is that they suddenly realise that the person who was holding and loving them, their parents, are no longer there with them. This is what causes the separation anxiety, which prompts them to cry or act out.
When should you get help?
If separation anxiety continues in older children and this affects their normal activities and routine, or if it appears out the blue, it could be an indication of a more serious anxiety disorder.
If you suspect something more serious, getting the advice of a medical professional can help with any issues or symptoms your child might be experiencing, say experts at Fedhealth.
What can you do about it?
Although separation anxiety is a normal part of childhood development and means they have formed a strong attachment to their primary caregiver, it can still feel extremely difficult for everyone involved. Here are some things you can try if separation anxiety is causing you stress:
Make it obvious
Don't sneak out of the room hoping they won't notice if you intend to go. Instead, be loving but strong; say goodbye in a controlled manner, and then walk away. It usually gets harder if you linger.
Try to keep things positive. Rather than displaying your own distress at leaving your child, keep things light and positive by smiling and waving, and reassure them that you will see them later.
Keep to a routine
Try to say goodbye in the same way each time, at the same time of day – perhaps a cuddle and a kiss on their forehead – so your child starts to get familiar with the routine of you leaving, and knows what will come next.
Talk about what you’ll do together later. Rather than focusing on the fact that you’re leaving them.
Practise! Start small by leaving your child with another caregiver for 20 minutes, and then gradually extend the time as you both adapt. Eventually this can become a few hours, a full workday, and even overnight if you have someone trusted that can stay over, or a relative they can stay with.
Be kind to yourself and your child: don’t take on feelings of guilt for wanting independence and time of your own. Parents and children who can both survive and even thrive interdependently from each other are the hallmark of a healthy relationship that will endure over time.